after my dear husband and i were married, we had big plans to travel the world and remain career oriented for quite awhile before starting a family. we did just that -- we traveled and schooled and worked and played. at some point in this story we began to wonder what it would be like to have a family. the thought of children in our lives became increasingly important and we made the decision to "explore" this concept.after several years and no luck, motherhood became more and more distant, yet enthralling. i began to look around me, thinking that EVERYONE has babies but me. women who were much younger had many babies; women who were much older were able to conceive without a problem (so i thought). all of those crazy thoughts ran through my head: "what is wrong with me?" "don't i deserve to be a mommy?" "is this some sort of punishment?" "maybe i'm just not ready?" self blame is usually the first culprit, at least in my little head.
i remember thinking about a day in the life of a mother: what it would be like to have a child and watch him/her grow and develop. attending church was usually the hardest part of this path...watching the families as they blessed their babies, baptized their eight-year-olds, attended primary programs, listening to the testimony of a sweet child -- all of these events were bittersweet and one or two tears would usually accompany me to every sacrament meeting.
it took me awhile to accept the fact that we may not have children of our own. we began to explore medical assistance, but we gave up on that rather quickly. perhaps, in my heart i knew that things take time...there is a plan for me...and it was time to practice my patience??! i began to feel some peace with my situation. my work kept me busy and the service that it provides has always been fulfilling in its own way.
after 9 1/2 years of marriage and a few BIG life changes, we found out something that we had pretty much given up on: we were pregnant! when i say "given up on," i mean that i no longer obsessed every month; i no longer cried if the answer was "no"; i no longer compared myself to other women/mothers around me; i no longer talked about this topic non-stop with my poor (but patient) husband. so...when i received THE NEWS, i was speechless and scared and excited-beyond-words!
my life has changed in so many ways since that precious day...all very good! i respect motherhood for all that it is -- and it is not easy, nor mindless! my two little girls allow me to dress them up in cute little outfits, which i love. however, after the dress-up every morning, the day provides so much more in the way of fulfillment and challenges. they teach me how to "mother" them every single day. and when i receive a smile or giggle, it is almost like an affirming wink, saying "good job, mommy." my mom said that i would figure it out...and i guess that i am :)
motherhood for me is:
A: acute B: beautiful C: creative D: daring E: eternal F: fatiguing (!) G: gift from God H: hilarious and humbling I: intimate J: jumbling K: kisses L: lovely M: mind-boggling N: noisy O: open-ended P: permanent privilege Q: quotable R: responsibility S: sanctified of God T: touching U: understanding V: vulnerable W: a wonder X: x-hausting (did i already say that?) Y: yellow Z: zzzzzz...tired...asleep
i am truly thankful for motherhood. i love the word, "mommy." i love the smiles, hugs, and kisses. especially those great open-mouth ones from sophia :)
